Shocking News
Steve Lickteig’s shocking news came from his friends. Family revelations are never easy and he felt like his whole life had been a dream. This went beyond small secrets. It was his whole existence at stake, just to avoid trouble.
Shocking News
Family Secrets
He felt like his life story was so fragile, and had been blown over like a leaf. He needed to sit down. It was the lies, it was family history, and it was his uncertain future that he couldn’t handle.
Family Secrets
About To Graduate
His feelings had been compromised to protect his father, but what about Steve? It all felt like a sick game. What was worse was the timing of the revelation was awful. It had to be the night before his graduation.
About To Graduate
New Beginnings
He had worked so hard to graduate. He had felt like his future was beaming, and his pride was unimaginable. His plan was to leave Kansas, a city notorious for being small and quiet, to embark on bright new beginnings.
New Beginnings
Looming Secrets
Steve wanted to become a marine. But he also knew that the long times at sea meant homesickness. He was making the most of time at home, spending it with friends and family. But the secret had to come out.
Looming Secrets
Keeping Quiet
It seemed like everyone in the small town knew what was going on except for Steve. He had never even noticed anything was off. His friends wanted to save him heartache, but they couldn’t keep the secret any longer.
Keeping Quiet
Big Age Gaps
Steve had eight siblings, but big families weren’t uncommon where he had come from. He and his sister Joanie were far apart in age, but they didn’t see a problem. After all, there were plenty of siblings with age gaps.
Big Age Gaps
Trusting His Parents
His parents, Don and Mary, had also never mentioned it. So when they told him that they wanted another son, he never questioned it. Who would he trust more than his parents? They had raised him and they loved him.
Trusting His Parents
Something Wrong
Mary and Don kept their secrets close to their heart. They protected Steve from it as much as possible. They were successful for quite long. But Steve had always had a feeling something was off, so something had to change.
Something Wrong
Teenage Angst
Steve’s sense that something wasn’t quite right was only confirmed when he found out the shocking news. In his teenage years, the uneasy feeling worsened. Instead of questioning it, he just reasoned with himself that maybe it was teenage angst.
Teenage Angst
Everyone Knew
Perhaps the secret had to come out because everyone in the town knew. The town was close-knit, so news travelled fast. Everyone around from his friends, his family, and his teenage girlfriend to his highschool teachers knew Steve’s biological father.
Everyone Knew
The Fateful Day
Steve was the subject of gossip wherever he went but he stayed clueless for 18 years. The scandal was well-known but kept quiet. The question was – was Steve ready to hear it? His friends thought so on that fateful day.
The Fateful Day
Ready To Graduate
Steve had gone through high school and was ready to graduate before he knew where he came from. His best friends were Vance and Alan. They wanted the best for him and they knew he had to be told the secret.
Ready To Graduate
Steve Didn’t Know
The scandal was so deep that Vance and Alan had been sworn into secrecy by their parents, but they needed to let it out. For their friend, who had no idea that he was being told lies his whole life.
Steve Didn’t Know
Who’s Telling?
When a long kept secret runs so deep, sometimes saying it is harder than keeping it. Vance and Alan knew this fact all too well. They held their breath and exchanged a glance that said ‘Who’s going to tell Steve’?
Who’s Telling?
They Had To
They had considered all the options. They had discussed just saying, they had discussed leading up to it, but most of all they wanted to keep Steve’s feelings intact. His parents weren’t going to tell him, so they had to.
They Had To
The Awful Conversation
Steve would leave soon to go to sea, so it was now or never. They had to do it soon, so Vance decided to start up the awful conversation.“Steve… We have something we want to tell you,” he began.
The Awful Conversation
Needing Information
Steve sat there, apprehensive. Why are his friends acting so weird? Vance had paused for too long, so Alan exclaimed, “No… he needs to know!”. This left Steve even more confused and scared. So Vance continued, “Your sister, Joanie… well…”.
Needing Information
He Heard Everything
Steve’s stomach dropped instantly. He listened carefully as Vance told him everything. The real problem was that Steve didn’t want to hear it. He knew he had to, but it made him feel like his life had suddenly fallen apart.
He Heard Everything
Remembering It
“I was just silent, and they filled the silence with what they knew. They had told me who my mother was and they told me that they had known for basically their entire lives,” said Steve, remembering that shocking moment.
Remembering It
More Questions
“And that everybody I had grown up with had known for their entire lives, and they felt that this was the time that I needed to know.” Steve added. It seemed that telling him raised way more questions than answers.
More Questions
Who’s Who?
Once Steve knew that Joanie was actually his biological mother, he wasn’t sure of anything in his life anymore. Who were Don and Mary then? Why had the two raised him and Joanie as siblings? Who was his real father?
Who’s Who?
Calming Him
Vance listened quietly to all his questions and tried to calm him down. Eventually all the shocked stuttering and disbelief boiled down just one question: who else knows? Alan answered Steve. He told Steve that everyone in the town knows.
Calming Him
He Was Abandoned
Steve was bewildered that everyone had been keeping such secrets from him. The only thing he felt was betrayal. How many people had lied to him over his short life? So many people knew that his father had abandoned him.
He Was Abandoned
No Identity
He would never know his real father and that hurt Steve badly. Steve’s sense of self had dissipated. He no longer knew himself or had an identity. The only thing he could do was leave it alone for a while.
No Identity
He Knew
So Steve played along with the secret. He wanted to see if there were things he had never noticed about his ‘parents’ before. He went to graduation knowing the truth, and Don and Mary were happy to go as well.
He Knew
Brave Face
Everybody seemed happy but Steve knew he was just putting on a brave face. “I had a high school graduation the next night, went to it, actually spoke at the graduation, went to all the parties, did everything.” Steve recalls.
Brave Face
He Ran Away
Then it all exploded. Steve approached his ‘parents’. Confrontation ensued and Steve had to go. “I ran away. Got into a car and drove to the nearest town, which was 20 miles away, rented a motel room… with my friends.”
He Ran Away
A Knock
Steve could only run for so long. Then he heard a knock on the motel door. Joanie stood there as he opened it. He was feeling resentment for so long toward Don and Mary that he had forgotten about Joanie.
A Knock
She’s Sorry
Joanie had found Steve to get it all in the open. She also wanted to let the truth out. “We had a moment of, ‘Yes, this happened. I’m sorry.’ I was mostly silent,” remembers Steve. They still had a connection.
She’s Sorry
Why?
Now that Steve had confronted everyone, he just wanted to know why. Why was he being lied to all this time? He wondered if Joanie, Don, and Mary were ever going to tell him. It turns out they eventually did.
Why?
Back Then
“Part of it was the time of this, which was the early ’70s, and also (it was a) small town, a tight-knit community,” Steve explains. “The community who knew, who didn’t say anything, were just trying to be good neighbors.”
Back Then
What Happened
Joanie had fallen pregnant out of wedlock. Her parents wanted to save their family in the time where pregnancy was thought of as just for marriage. Any accidental pregnancies were scandalous and the Lickteig’s were just doing what they knew.
What Happened
Looking For Identity
When Steve was interviewed by Dani Shapiro on the podcast “Family Secrets”, she revealed that his situation was more common than he thought. When people want to know who they are, they look at their family. This gives them identity.
Looking For Identity
DNA Testing
With the rise in popularity of DNA tests, people are also finding out that family isn’t as simple of a concept as it seems. Dani Shapiro even stated that there is an epidemic of seemingly unique cases just like Steve’s.
DNA Testing
Knowing The Truth
The question is, is it okay for family to keep secrets from their members involving personal identity? “Ultimately people do have a right to know, and I think also feel liberated by knowing the truth,” Dani stated in an interview.
Knowing The Truth
Not Whether…But When
“The secret-keepers are carrying a burden, but the question is not so much whether they should share that secret, but when.” Dani asserts. This was the case for Steve as well. His friends knew it was cruel to keep secrets.
Not Whether…But When
18th Birthday
With 18th birthdays come freedoms. That’s when people are legally considered adults. That’s why it was the perfect time for Steve to know. Alan and Vance were kind enough to tell Steve so he didn’t find out through a stranger.
18th Birthday
Life Changed
Now that he knew, life would change forever. But Steve still had responsibilities. He joined the marines shortly after the debacle. His time in the marines gave him a much needed break from the small town he had lived in.
Life Changed
Moving On
Steve went on to get married and settle down. He worked as a journalist for NBC news. This was a great outcome for him as he had lived so long in secrets that he was happy to uncover other’s secrets.
Moving On
Life Falling Apart
Even though he and his wife were in love, things didn’t work out. They later filed for divorce, perhaps because Steve still had his old life to confront. Only 15 years later did he hear of his disturbing past again.
Life Falling Apart
Looking For Family
In 2013, Steve released a documentary about his experience with the hope of helping others. He used journalistic skills in interviews with his entire family, including his grandparents, his siblings, his mother, and his friends. Their answers gave him clarity.
Looking For Family
Fifteen Years
“It was never spoken of again after that day, you know, not until fifteen years later,” he said. “We just didn’t talk about it. And it sounds melodramatic to me, but I changed that day.” Steve said in an interview.
Fifteen Years
Eye Opening Conversations
The interviews were eye opening and difficult. Steve wanted to get to the bottom of it. He was finally ready to face the truth. Steve had lived a life separate from his family since leaving. He didn’t want that anymore.
Eye Opening Conversations
No Relationship
“I was a really happy-go-lucky guy in high school and something kind of shut off in me and the relationship sort of just became nothing,” Steve said. “It was just obligatory and it was that way with the whole family.”
No Relationship
Leaving Family
“You know, I have a large [family] — six sisters, two brothers. I felt like they all were sort of in on it, so I just separated myself.” Steve explained. He felt betrayal and he couldn’t be around them anymore.
Leaving Family
More Sympathy
To reconcile, Steve would have to be more sympathetic and he knew that. “I was trying to understand what she must have gone through to have had a baby, and then see your own parents take the baby…” Steve says.
More Sympathy
Explaining The Situation
“…and then they tell you that the story is going to be that you have to tell this baby that you’re his sister and you have to live that for basically the rest of your life.” He explains with empathy.
Explaining The Situation
Keeping Him
What mattered to Steve was whether she wanted to keep him or not. He concluded, “She didn’t want to give me up. My parents say that’s not true, that she needed the help. I think, it’s somewhere in the middle.”
Keeping Him
The Story
“I do believe that she was told this is the story: If we’re going down this road, this is the story that we’re going to use and you’re going to stick to it. And that’s when family members were told.”
The Story
Ready To Talk
Steve knew Joanie had been through so much. He wanted to make it better for both of them. After a lot of consideration, Don and Mary were ready to talk. They had been holding onto this secret for so long.
Ready To Talk
New Grandparents
Steve now knew them as his grandparents instead of his parents. This was the first weird part of the situation. Joanie didn’t want to talk, though. Steve had spent so long considering her perspective but she wasn’t ready to share.
New Grandparents
Old Wounds
Joanie is now married and has other children. This makes the situation even weirder for Steve. He was disappointed in his family once again and old wounds resurfaced. His own mother wanted nothing to do with him, like his father.
Old Wounds
Peaceful Again
The documentary was cathartic for Steve. He felt peaceful again. “I got to have these conversations. The film gave me and them permission to have a conversation that just would not have happened otherwise.” He says about his great experience.
Peaceful Again
Open Secret
It is available on Amazon and iTunes and was quickly swept up in the media. According to its website, the film “explores the cost of suppressing history across multiple generations,” as it also follows Steve’s emotional state over the family’s situation.
Open Secret
New Start
The conversations he had were long overdue. Now that he had found what he was looking for, he could start his own life once again. He married again and is now much happier. He hopes to have children one day.
New Start
Still Complex
Things are still complicated and it seems that Steve will be unraveling the secret for a long time. He now speaks to his mother, even if she didn’t want to speak on camera. Still, Steve has other questions for Joanie.
Still Complex
Who Is Joanie?
Steve wants to know what his child will call her one day – will it be aunt or granny? The answer for Joanie is clear. She seems overjoyed at the thought of this. She insists, she just wants to be called Joanie.
Who Is Joanie?
Rising Star
Today, Steve is a rising star. He has worked in Ottawa, Kansas on radio and is an executive producer since his documentary. He produces Podcasts and Audio for NBC News and MSNBC. He states that podcasts are the new television.
Rising Star
Harmful Secrets
Adoption is a wonderful thing when it isn’t secretive. Although Steve had the joy of being raised by his grandparents, his life was shattered by them keeping a huge secret from them. Steve’s story shows one thing – secrets are harmful.
Harmful Secrets